Okay… a lot!
Okay… it is debatable. I can see you sitting in heaven taking score. That is okay, your one line zingers and antidotes kept me out of a lot of trouble in my latter adult years (as party goers who know me refer to as THE SECOND COMING… lol).
I can hear you sassing me now…. “Second coming of what Erica… did somebody record yo’ ass doing something you weren’t supposed to be doing”. My crass and lewd tenacity to party never boded well with my momma.
Like my mom though, I am a party girl turned momma and have given birth to a new generation of woman who is smarter and intellectually moving way faster than I ever did at that age.
Like you momma, I fret over the bills and for the life of me I put more stock in everyone else than I do myself. At almost 40 you would think I would know better, but momma honestly… I am just starting to learn to live yet again. I really did fly by the seat of my pants yet I never quite figured out how to just be here on the ground.
Yes, yes… I look like you more. Now more than ever, I have an enormously fat face and your eyes. I could be your portly twin. I cut my hair short like you towards the end… but know I have my daddy’s hair. I will leave it at that.
Sitting here at the table sipping tea… I am like you most. Reflective, regretful, mourning the lost of a marriage, worried about how my daughter sees me, contemplating what means more happiness or material success.
I am the goofy flake and mom, you were my rock. I adored you to the point I idolized you… then it hurt me to watch you not even meet your own expectations. I think that is why we fought so much. Each of us had enormously high expectations of the other, yet neither one of us wanted to admit… we were neither experts or innately skilled in being humans. We didn’t know how to love each other and just be. Other humans have mastered this necessary art form.
Perhaps that is what hurt us the most… though I am relieved that we finally gave into loving each other for who we were… four weeks before your death, because those four weeks replaced a lifetime of soul crushing pain and all the shed tears. (Yes mom, like you I am a crybaby. I cry at the drop of a hat. More now that I dropped the proverbial load.)
So here I sit… loving you, as though you were sitting here with me having a cup of tea.
It has been so hard being on this planet without you, but I am doing my best with what I have… and you showed me that sometimes you make your way with nothing in your pockets but just with love and kindness in your heart.
You get the most credit for making me fabulous, you made me strong and I am so glad in the end you approved of me because it mattered more than you will ever know.
If you were here, I would jokingly say… Happy Holidays old broad. Only to solicit a scowl and perhaps an eye roll.
I love you immensely, Momma. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.